Are You O.K.?

How many times a day does someone say to you, "Are you o.k.?"  That question is so loaded and yet not really.  And to begin with how do you even answer that question?  I mean yes, I am alive and breathing and God has given me another day to live.  So I guess the answer could always be yes.  In another since, no, I am struggling with sin and relationships in my life and on and on and on and on.  But I am dealing with them and today is better than yesterday.  So, to me "Are you o.k.?" is a stupid question.  Don't get me wrong, I am very guilty of asking this loaded question.  And when others answer me and say yes, I guess they aren't lying.  If I really wanted to know what was going on in their lives, however, wouldn't I just ask them things like, "How was your day?" or "What's on your mind?" or "how are you dealing with your struggles?"  In being intentional with building Christ centered relationships shouldn't we put more weight in our questioning?  A simple "Are you o.k.?" isn't going to be enough for me anymore.  Digging deeper needs to happen.  At the heart of a good friendship or any relationship is accountability.  And sometimes accountability begins with simply asking the right questions.

Don't Suck

Oh CentriKid, how you continue to change my life. One thing we learned at camp this summer is the concept of excellence. The point of the concept is to do everything with the goal of doing the best way it can be done. In other words, providing the best possible outcome. I began to think this afternoon if I lived my life in an excellent manner? The answer of course was NO! God visibly shows me things to let me know the path I am headed down is the wrong path and yet I dismiss them and move on. You could almost formulate a pattern for my sin or failures and calculate what time during the week or month or whatever that I am going to mess up. I feel so stupid and idiotic. And I guess that is exactly what I am. Don't get me wrong, I am not beating myself up over it or depressed I am just tired of being an idiot. 2 Timothy 4:2 says, "Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season correct, rebuke, and encourage with great patience and careful instruction." I am a good encourager. Even in encouraging myself. However, I miss the rebuke and correct one over and over again. Even when talking with friends when I do try to rebuke or correct I either a. feel like a hypocrite or b. do it out of selfishness trying to make them feel guilty for something after they have just made me feel guilty. But, in order to pursue excellence in my life I have to correct myself and allow others to correct me. As we said at camp, "eval that." Eval-ing yourself I am afraid is easier said than done.
The picture above is the band I worked with this summer and my acting partner, Aubrey. We said every morning, "don't suck." To remind us of who we are doing this for. That we need to pursue excellence because the most excellent one is who we are doing it for. That is not just for camp, Will, that is for life. So here's to trying my best to not suck in life as well.

Finding Fault

I am a very proud person that doesn't like to be wrong.  Lately I have been realizing more and more what my faults are and thinking about how I need to fix them. So here's to a little time of confession to the blogging world:

1. I am too anxious.  I worry way too much.  The littlest things can literally drive me crazy. I not only worry about myself but others and let their worries be transferred to mine too easily.  I guess you could say I am too empathic, which can certainly be a bad thing.

2. I try to find joy and fulfillment in anything but God.  I am constantly looking for or have something that I use to make me happy rather than finding that happiness in God.  It can be friendships, dating, working, so many things.  I really struggle with realizing God is all I need.  I know that is the truth but so often I don't take hold of that truth.

3. I am too sensitive. I let things that people say bother me entirely too much.  I guess I shouldn't and sometimes people do say hurtful things, but in the grand scheme of things a lot of people (especially my friends) aren't trying to be hurtful.  I guess in all honesty this might be a problem with forgiveness and holding on to grudges.

4. I say hurtful things. To the opposite effect of the fault above I don't take responsibility for the words I say.  I don't take time to think about what I am about to say and how it will effect the person I say it to. I can be a jerk and not even realize it until thirty minutes later. But that doesn't make me any less of a jerk.

5. Pride. I am very prideful. I don't like to be wrong. I am learning lately though that I am more and more and it has been a humbling experience.

6. I am not a good friend. Don't get me wrong. I think I have aspects and qualities that make me a good friend.  I listen well, I care a lot about my friends, and I am genuinely concerned about them, but I so often get caught up in how they can help me that I loose sight of what I bring to the friendship.

Don't worry (to maybe the two people if I am lucky who will read this) I am not depressed or in a state of self pity I just needed to get some things off my chest in a logical and methodical way. It has helped I already feel better.

Being a Child of God

It is amazing how teaching kids can teach you so many things in the process.  I am still grappling with the concept of being God's child and being adopted by him.  The concept to me is just so cool.  I wanted to just share some cool ways I have found this metaphor in scripture so aptly fits.

1. Adoption is permanent.  It cannot be undone.  You never hear of someone being unadopted.  God isn't going to send us back because we don't fit in, because we mess up, or because we are just plain dumb.  We are his forever, no questions asked.

2. Adoption is a choice.  No one is forced to adopt.  It is something that one does out of love and compassion for the child.  The orphan and neglected are without parents.  Every human is born like that with a need to be adopted into an eternal family.  I didn't say we always deserve to be picked, but that is the beauty of it.

3. Child isn't always a term defined by age.  It has been a mounting frustration of mine to be stuck in an awkward early twenties stage of life.  My parents know I am not quite fully grown up yet, but I am at the same time.  No matter how old I am they are still going to tell me not eat too much, or that I need to clean out my closet.  No matter how old I am their child.  I am still there son.  I need correction.  Even when I don't want it.

4. A child needs to be disciplined.  When you do define a child as a young person one will find they need to be disciplined.  Children need to know that when they mess up they will be punished.  God is going to do the same.  Hannah (my very soon to be adopted niece) is two.  She will do things she knows she isn't suppose to do look right at Meggin (my sister) while she's doing it to see if she's watching.  She does it over and over again and she knows she will get into trouble.  That is what we all do. I like so many others constantly have to be disciplined by God for committing the same sins and mistakes over and over again. Hence how I am like a child.

My identity and who I am should be completely tied up in that  I am a child of God.  He is my father.  Too many times I forget and don't completely put my trust in that.

Fariness?

I have been in one of those life is not fair moods the fast few days. You know what I am talking about we all get in them. Sometimes I think no one else understands, or much less cares what I am going through (I know this isn't true FYI). Despite that I continue to hold the irrational belief that it is me against the world, me against my struggles, me against my sorrows. I am reminded of a story one of my team mates told this summer during staff meeting. We had sang "Prepare the Way" that night for the invitation. The chorus of that songs simply repeats "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." over and over again. The girl came down front to talk to Allyson (I think this is Allyson's story) and told her she had always wondered what this whole heaven and God thing was all about and that night while singing that song it came to her. Jesus. It is all about Jesus. Not to sound all Casting Crowns on you, but "Its all because of Jesus I am alive." I get so caught up in me and my wants and desires and things I think will make me feel better. This is ludicrous, I know. I want to see Christ for who he is, or do I? I want to want to see Christ for who he is. Then perhaps I will realize nothing else or not my so called present suffering will matter. I wise friend told me yesterday God gives us struggles so we can develop more faith. He is a smart kid (I would like to take a moment to say I don't deserve my friends, but I thank God I have them). It reminded me of James 1:2 where it says, "Consider it pure joy my brethren whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." Perseverance is something I am learning. Sticking it out. God has a better plan for me. I know that. I can clearly see that. I just need to live like it.

I am Being Changed

  When I worked at CentriKid Camps this summer the Bible Study lesson each Wednesday was titled, "I am Being Changed." We got to teach kids about the life of Peter and look at the many different things that develop and grow in him through out the biblical text. Peter began to follow Christ as a lowly fishermen and on the Day of Pentecost 3,000 men accepted Christ. God is in the business of changing people.
   Paul writes about this in 2 Corinthians 5:17, when he says, "if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation."  We are a new creation how beautiful is that. Christ takes us and completely changes us. He makes what is not holy and makes it holy. Christ continues to change us throughout our Christian walk. It is beautiful. I have to ask the question, however, why I continue to commit the same sins over and over again. I struggle and continue to struggle with things that I have for a very long time. Why do I continue to let myself go down the path I know leads to destruction. Well part of it is because my flesh still exists, but I have to realize that Christ in my life supersedes that fleshly, carnal desire. The Bible is so keen on reminding us of this. It lists in places like Galatians 5:16-24, Colossians 3:1-15, and 1 Peter 2:4-10 the things we once were, the sins we were bound by. Each and every time we are reminded as Christians that is no longer what we are. I think Peter himself puts it very beautifully when he writes, "But you are a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praise of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."
    I am human. I sin. I mess up. That's not ok. Sin deserves death. If I got what I really deserved I would be condemned forever to spend an eternity in hell. God had grace on me. He forgave me. So, I really need to start acting like it. He is changing me and showing me so many things I need to fix it is overwhelming.
   It all started this summer when God began to show me how much I depend on myself. I can't do it. I cannot accomplish anything apart from God. Will Ward could not have been a CentriKid staffer, Jesus Christ living in Will Ward made it possible. As the summer drew to a close God slapped me in the face and forced me to change even more. I finally got some courage and confessed my sin to friends. The discipline of confession is a hard one. I told them some things I struggle with and it was hard but I will never be the same. I had never done that before. I had always just kept it in, which made it not real. God continued to change me when he taught me I don't know everything. I stared dating a girl in October. I thought I had the whole thing under control and knew what I was doing. God showed me I didn't.
  I guess what I am rambling on about is I am changing. It is painful. I don't like it, but I am getting over it. Christ is showing me that in every aspect of my life He has control. He is in charge in my triumphs and my defeats. He is still my God when I stumble, because He is right there to pick me back up. I am not always right. I am learning I very seldom am. Christ is in charge and I am glad he is. He made me a new creation and he is molding me to be more like him each and every day.