Love Lost, Wisdom Gained

So, I talked about in my last post how I had a first time experience this past year. A girlfriend. The whole story is honestly too long and complicated and most of you could care less about the details, so I will spare you the hurt. But, I did learn a lot through it and to really kind of move on I guess you could say, I am going to make a list.

1. Obsession is bad. If you know me at all, you know I get obsessed with things. I mean, if you are one of my close friends I probably fear for your life, your sin, and even your grades in school than I do my own. Well, not as drastic as I just made that sound, but you now what I mean. I was obsessed for a long time with this girl. It wasn't a good thing. I was looking for a girl friend, I thought she was a nice girl, so I pursued. And pursued. And pursued.

2. Obsession does not bring love. After months, well almost a year of obsession, we dated. I learned that my obsession for her in the previous year did not make me fall in love with her. I could create obsession, but I could not create love. It is impossible. I loved her and still do, but not like a boyfriend should love a girlfriend.

3. Love has to be shared in equal parts. I told myself at first the reason she seemed to care about me more than I cared about her was she was a girl and they are just wired that way. At the end of the day though, she was falling in love with me and I was not with her (which was not her fault and I want to stress that). I thought when we started dating it would end in getting married. I was an idiot. So it surprised me when even in our short relationship the "m" word came up. I mean, to be honest I could have married her and I could have lived with her and I could have made her happy. However, I would be living a life everyday where I know our love is not shared equally and to me that isn't fair to me or her.

4. Breaking up is hard. I knew I needed to break up with her for a long time. That doesn't mean it wasn't hard then and after. It wasn't just hard for you, let's just put it that way. However, the peace that came after doing the right thing didn't mean I didn't feel like a jerk, like I had ruined her life. I did do the right thing and analyze what happened before that and how much it hurt all you want, I did what was right, but that didn't make it easy.

5. Wait for God. Some people may have found the perfect spouse by looking and seeking after them. It didn't work for me. I have began to realize I suffer from loneliness. Like really bad and there will be an upcoming post on that for sure. But, wanting to be with someone more than wanting to be with God and seeking to find someone more than I am seeking out God is not ok. So, next time, if there is a next time I am simply waiting on my Father to give me direction.

6. Relationships don't make sin go away. Sin is still going to be there. Lust is still going to be there. Thoughts you don't want to think are still going to be there. It is not going away because you have some teenage-like commitment with a girl. So, deal with it. Guys, be honest, don't be afraid to talk about what is going on. Girls, its not okay. I mean, be sympathetic and encourage but rebuke too. Just because mail brains are wired to think about sex all the time doesn't mean we need to hear, it will be ok nine time as day.

7. Be honest. I know I said that in my last number, but really. If you are going to be adult enough to try to be in a relationship tell each other the real stuff. Don't hold back.

In conclusion, I don't know if any of this is right. This is just what I have concluded from my limited experience. I am not trying to call anyone out. We all make mistakes. These are all mine. So, in the risk of being completely wrong about all of this, I am pressing "publish post."

The Joy of Your Salvation

So, it has been a while. One might say too long in fact. That someone, by the way would be me. I have forgotten how therapeutic this whole blogging thing is. So, one of my new additions to my list of ways in which I need to be more disciplined is to blog more. So, here it goes....

Psalm 51:12 makes the statement, "return me to the joy of your salvation." This statement made by the psalmist has been haunting me for a long time now. I say haunting because, honestly, I don't understand it. I have been trying to and I think I know what it means to me (which by saying I have quite possibly made a large hermeneutical error). Well, I know what I think it means to a lot of people. Lets be real honest with ourselves....we forget what God has done for us. I mean, I was seven years old when I began my relationship with Christ, I remember being excited and wanting to do great things for the kingdom. I remember me and my friends wanted to invite people to church and provide them with information in the process. What did we do? We made brochures copying and pasting things about our church on to large sheets of paper (now I mean literally copying and pasting). We wanted to do something for God.

Fast forward....last summer was the first time in a long time (maybe since those first few months after my salvation) I could feel God using me in a mighty way. I mean it was an everyday thing. I would talk to a friend and she would tell me I was different. I was glad. I needed to be different. She basically told me that would change when I got back. I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to continue to work for Christ and to change.

Boy did I change, the work part was a little more difficult......If I had to chart the changes in my life in the last year I could point to one single event. Confession time. At our annual Ministry Team Leadership retreat we had a time of corporate confession where we all took time to confess with the group some of our deepest, darkest sin. I held back. I always do. I don't want other people to know I mess up and I am pretty sure no one has sin problem like I do (which the whole experience proved that notion wrong). After a lot of prayer, journaling and reading through scripture that night and into the next day I knew what I had to do...confess. I did to two of my closest friends on the way back home. Did it change me? Unbelievably so. Did it fix my sin? No.

The school year went on....I had my first girl friend (which I should probably reflect on in a post all by itself), for the first time I knew what accountability was, I was learning slowly and surely to be transparent because life is to short not to be, and honestly I went through after having two of the biggest spiritual boosters in my life one of the darkest times in my life. A lot, went on internally and a lot of confusion. I depended too much on those around me and not enough on the one who gave me life. Typical.

So, what's the point. The point is all these experiences made me have joy in God's salvation. They made me take stock of my life and realize what Christ did and how much grace he really had to extend to me. It was a lot, by the way. But, they were all short lived because they were very situationally based. They didn't carry over because I wasn't committed enough. Honestly, it shouldn't take some special event for me to bask in the joy of God's salvation. I should wake up renewed and refreshed everyday thinking of how great a God I serve and how deep my sin is and yet how merciful and might the Savior is. The fact that God himself dwells inside of me and works in the world I live in. All of this is reason to never loose the joy of your salvation.

Thoughts?
Advice?